What to say to kids when cancer treatment isn’t working
Written by Kelsey Mora, CCLS, LCPC
Author of The Dot Method©
On page 14 of The Dot Method, it talks about how everyone has the same goal: to get rid of the cancer. It goes on to say that when that ‘s not possible, the goal is to keep the cancer cells small, treat side effects, and help the person continue to enjoy life as long as possible. The purpose of using The Dot Method tool is to establish a baseline understanding and language for talking with kids about the cancer. That means that if you find yourself in a situation where treatment is not working, you can build on the conversation you already started. The goal is to update kids if and when there are significant changes (both good and bad).
Revisit what they know and understand: Use the language that you’ve used throughout the cancer diagnosis and treatment. You might even open up The Dot Method workbook or use one of the extra outlines on page 22 to review what they already have learned about the cancer. “Remember we talked about how the medicine is trying to get rid of the cancer cells?”
Give a warning: Help them know that what is coming next is important and maybe even serious or sad. “I have something upsetting to tell you. There’s been a change with ______’s cancer treatment.”
Provide a simple explanation: It’s important to use honest language both with cancer and with death and dying conversations. This minimizes confusion for kids. “The doctors told us that the medicine isn’t working. The cancer cells are not going to go away or get better.”
Avoid euphemisms: In addition to honest language about cancer and dying, it’s important to use real words that don’t have multiple meanings. “Unfortunately there are no other medicines. That means that ______ will die from their cancer. Dying means their body will no longer function or live.”
Shift focus: When talking about death and dying, it’s helpful to still incorporate hope and a sense of control. “We know that _____ will get sicker and weaker. We don’t know how quickly. We can focus on enjoying our time together and making memories. What’s important to you?”
Talking to kids about things like cancer, end of life, and death and dying are not one time conversations. Ideally, they start early and continue as changes arise or kids have questions and concerns. Even when things change, you don’t need to talk about it all at once. You can introduce the topic of dying and then build on it overtime as things arise. Children will show you what they need when they know it’s an okay topic to discuss with you.
